I’ve been a little lost as of late. I get waves of feeling socially inept and it leaves me wondering how I survived this long. My major concern is my friends. I know I don’t keep in touch as often as I should and I question if they are still there. Then again, I’ve seen a lot of them leave me over the past few years. Most have been people who turned out to not care as much as I hoped they did. Then again, I’ve had friends that I thought where long gone, appear out of thin air. Either way, I’m lacking people who I do communicate with regularly.
I’ve been focusing a lot on trying to get out there with this blog and a number of other things. Yet a lot of what I want out of the adventure has been lost in doing these things that I’m not talking to new people. Even through current social media, I’m not feeling like everything is working out how I think they should. So I’ve been trying to think back to the friends I have made in the past. What did I do? What did they do? In the end it’s not as bad as I’ve made it out in my head. I know that I’ve managed a couple new friends and while they may not be local, they are still there.
My other problem is I’ve been comparing my experience with others like there should be an exact mirror and the pieces should fit. Again I’m remind that world, let alone myself, does not work that way. I very rarely get to observe the behavior of others and get to put my findings to use. At least not in any way that would seem obvious or simple. What I need to be doing is take what advice I have to twist it, pervert it, until it fits my dynamic. This is something I forget rather frequently.
Still, my questions regarding memory are still left unanswered. To my recollection, they have all be small social openings in which I subconsciously navigated. So I really have no clue what I did. There was a person and there was me, and somehow communication ensued. So with that out of the way, I’ve focused on what I desire in the change I’m trying to make.
I’m constantly having to remind myself of my own goals, be they changes in myself or my strategy against the world. I’ve spent a lot of time building up a wall to keep out what I don’t want and ended up blocking out that which I did. So it’s time to build doors and checkpoints. I know I’m not ready for everything out there. There is a level of cruelty that I can barely imagine and have no chance of surviving at the moment. Every time I start to think of it, my brain cops out as if it’s trying to tell me that I’m better off not knowing. Yet, I know that I know. At least I think I know that I know. None the less, I have a bearing again.
There are many things in my friends that I do have trouble looking around and I apologize for being an insufferable ass. I have a high standard for intelligence and couth. This is not to say I do not have exceptions. Yet, these are things that I tend to let bother me when they are hardly an issue. So where do we go from here? All there is left is to enjoy what I can appreciate and not sweat the small stuff. This has left me with my best analysis of current and past friends in a campaign to acquire new ones. The only thing that I’m missing is the external view. I know where I’m going and what I’ve been missing to make me feel so lost. My largest problems are created within myself and sometimes I get myself so turned around that I trick myself into thinking the issue is external or something that doesn’t even exist. To my relief, I have my own answers. So what brought you to me? Conversely, what brought me to you?